Today

Today I should've been 12 weeks.

That magic milestone.

I'm not.

A reading

Hi K,

Thank you for asking me to perform this reading. The answers are below. I type them up as my guides dictate to me and they also have a mix of impressions and insights too… I hope it helps give you some guidance and insight. 

All the best

Helen 

OVERVIEW

You are a gentle and nurturing soul, who is always offering this energy to those around you. You care very deeply about the people closest to you – but this also means you worry unnecessarily, carrying their problems and concerns as if they were your own.

Protecting others from their fears, problems and concerns is beyond you – it is their path and lessons in life and it is important you allow them the space to learn. Don't deny them this lesson, even if it looks difficult for them. You can support them, be there for them, but you cannot carry it for them. This only hinders you both.

In recent years, you've become quite serious! Remember to have fun, to indulge yourself with little heart-centred acts of self love. Remember to take time to be creative, sing/dance, have fun and create. This isn't unproductive work – in fact, it is incredibly productive. It will help shift the energy around you, but also help shift your perceptions, to heal and begin to restore your own inner child, which longs to have fun, explore, create... just like any other child.

I'm prompted now to talk about your relationship with your mother. You've learnt from a strong role model the importance of family, of relationships. You've also learnt and absorbed some 'rules' about what it means to be a good mother – what a good mother would look like, how she would act and behave. It is ok to release this ideal. You are a wonderful mother, your children have chosen you, have signed up to be a part of your lessons and life purpose... with this in mind, you needn't over-think your decisions or try too hard to be a good mum. You needn't add anything to yourself to achieve that job – you are perfect just the way you are. Your children choose you, as you are.

Following on from that, it is important to release all the pain, hurt and grief associated with the loss of your child/pregnancy. Feel the pain, let it out. Grieving is a natural process, which occurs differently for different people. Please do not feel that you “should” be reacting or processing in a certain way. Where you are right now is exactly where you need to be. So be here, absorb the lesson and when you're ready, you will move on.

QUESTION ONE - My main reason for contacting you is because I recently suffered a heartbreaking pregnancy loss. I dearly wish to have another baby, but I'm scared that it will happen again.

Can you give me any guidance with this? I always saw myself having another little girl and now that feels like it's fading. I feel like the baby we lost was "The One", and nothing else will compare.

This might be a good place to move to this question.

There are a few impressions I get here... firstly, there was a very strong soul mate connection between you and this child. This may account for the depth of feeling you have, as you say, that this child was “the one”. I see that as a depth of relationship, a spiritual connection... and it is natural in our human form to want to be attached to that kind of energy or feeling. It's so wonderful – who wouldn't want to hang on to it? Yet, as spiritual beings, that attachment is beyond us.

Let me talk about soul mates for a moment... I don't believe a soul mate needs to be a Hollywood version of happy ever after in a romantic partner, although it can be. A soul mate is another soul our soul has been mated or paired with to ensure both souls learn the lessons we've signed up to learn together. I believe it is possible to work with more than one soulmate in a life time. Our soul mates can be parents, children, siblings, partners, bosses, colleagues etc etc.

So, I see there being a soul mate connection between you and this child. You both signed up to work together in this lifetime, however brief, to ensure you learnt what was needed. Obviously, the lessons this imparts for you are ongoing, as the child's soul did not continue on in this physical body in this life.

I also want to add to the discussion some thoughts around miscarriage. I see miscarriage as the opportunity for a soul to live out whatever karma is required in those moments of pregnancy. That soul will have signed up for that, even if we don't understand why.

The loss is meant to prompt a deep response in you – physically, mentally, emotionally and most definitely spiritually. With healing, your soul too will have grown and advanced, so your agreement with this child is held up.

The loss of a soul mate of any form/relationship can be devastating and felt very, very deeply. Don't punish yourself. Recognise what a beautiful moment has actually occurred – on a very deep soul level you have both been given an opportunity for advancement and growth, even if it doesn't make sense right now, in a purely physical or mental way.

As for more children...

I believe that life is all about the progress we make through our lessons. The timing of our lives is dictated by how we 'graduate' through these lessons. If we learn the lesson quickly, we move through the next stage of life quickly. If we are slow to absorb the lesson's meaning, or we try and avoid it, we become stuck and cannot move on as we wish to.

It is important to take your time to heal physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I do feel it is possible for you to have another child... but I want to say I see you with two. You mention Alexandra so I assume you only have one child at this point? If you already have another, then perhaps this accounts for the two I see.

While I'm not suggesting further miscarriages for you, I do want to encourage you to take your time with the healing first. What I mean by this is ensuring your physical body is restored to its best health, and not just in a reproductive sense. You've put your body through a lot. It is time to treat it kindly, nourish it deeply and begin to see your physical form far more lovingly. Mentally, it is important you understand your thoughts and feelings around pregnancy, femininity and motherhood, again at a very deep level. Please do not give in to fear around falling pregnant again. Fear will hinder your progress. Allow the emotions to rise and fall, do not hide them. It is important to feel emotions as they arise, even the not so “nice” ones – such as anger, frustration and disappointment. Feeling them and processing emotions is important.. but do not let them linger or fester. Release them and move on. There has already been massive spiritual growth and healing, and healing across these other levels will ensure further healing at the spiritual level.

With this healing having taken place, you will be in a better position for pregnancy, to enjoy pregnancy, without fear.

I'm not 100% sure the circumstances surrounding your last pregnancy, or whether it was assisted. However, what I'm shown is that the energy feels quite different for the next pregnancy. The next pregnancy/period of time leading up to it feels more healthy/natural, particularly in terms of your diet, movement and exercise (rather than the actual scientifics of falling pregnant!) If you haven't before, you may wish to research the connections between diet/exercise with the reproductive organs.

This also highlights for me an important point to consider: Our physical bodies are always showing us what we need to learn and heal at a deeper level. Female reproductive organs are very much linked to sexuality and femininity, our ideas about this and motherhood, as well as our relationships with our mothers. Remember I also said before that you are free to change and heal your notions of motherhood and I do think this will clear energy in this area of your physical body.

Similarly, we have chakras (or energy centres) which process energy through our physical bodies. They are influenced by our thoughts and beliefs. Each chakra is linked to different areas of our lives. There are two chakras in particular I'd suggest you work on – the base and sacral chakras. However you may benefit from working on all of the chakras (you can work with a practitioner or a Reiki master or the like, or download chakra balancing meditations). Balancing your chakras will have a knock on effect physically, mentally and emotionally and bring about further healing.

It is this healing work which is most important. As you move through the phases of healing, you may find you feel more ready and willing to try again for another child. Ultimately it is your decision. I feel that it is possible... when you are truly ready.

QUESTION TWO - My big girl, A. She causes me some anxiety with her behaviour, and we have a struggle with this year's teacher who she doesn't click with. We want her to be happy and do well at school, but I'm not sure how we can help her.

The first things I'm shown about A is how strong willed she is! She can be quiet focussed and determined – which is great and will serve her well later in life, but in the short term it can be quite a challenge for those in 'authority'. A is also very bright. She will do well with the school work, and again later in life too. I see there being some struggle over the pace and way things are done at school... While her teacher may not be able (or expected) to change the teaching style for one child, it may be useful to support Alexandra outside of the classroom in different ways.

A has strong ideas about fairness and justice. She likes to see things being balanced. In a school setting for example, it can challenge her when she feels the teacher or other students are treating others unfairly, or are being treated unfairly. If there isn't a balance in her day it can throw her.

Also, A is incredibly empathetic. She feels others pain/energy/emotions very intently. She is incredibly intuitive, and as a young child, can find it frustrating that others (particularly adults) don't “know” what she does. She also doesn't yet have the vocabulary or knowledge to articulate all of this.

With time, she will come to understand her nature and energy much better... which brings a balance within herself and she will drop some of that resistance. Until then? Well, here are a few tips you might like to try:

• give her lots of opportunities to express herself in different ways. Drama, music, colour and play. This gives her a way of being heard, but also channels the pent up energy in a constructive way
• give her opportunities to feel like she is in charge, or able to 'control' the sense of fairness and balance. This may be a little trickier at school...but at home it may mean anything from allowing her to have more responsibility or decision making, which will help her feel valued and 'equal'.

Other things great for empathetic kids to ground and clear energy:

• salt water (the beach is great, or simply having 'displays' of salt water around the home)
• nature – as much time outdoors as possible, the backyard, parks etc. You may also find spending time outdoors before coming home after school makes a world of difference. She can 'shed' all the energy she's absorbed from others.
• Crystals
• anything natural – fresh flowers, potted plants etc

One other point I'd like to make... I see A as a very strong, confident quite popular and social young girl. I see her as a natural leader as she is quite strong. I also see there being past life 'spill overs' – what I mean is, in previous lifetimes she held positions of power or authority, she was well respected and listened to. In this lifetime, and especially as a child, at a deeper level she is finding it challenging to not still have that 'power'. This is why if you can channel this in other ways, she will feel better and not 'lash out' or appear challenging. Similarly, if she is given opportunities to lead and be 'in charge' this will help.

Away

We are flying out to Fiji tomorrow with a group of friends.

It was meant to be a fabulous trip,  I had planned to announce on the first day that we were expecting a baby.  By then it was going to be pretty obvious.  The little bump and the fact that I wouldn't be drinking would be pretty firm signs.  I was so looking forward to telling this group, they are the friends I see frequently via school, and I'm pretty sure they would have all been shocked initially, then very excited for us.

Instead, I had to tell them all last week that we were, but now we're not.

Typically I enjoy spending time with these friends, but right now I sort of dread the thought of being with people.  I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

It's been two weeks today.

Two weeks

It is two weeks, almost to the minute, since we discovered our baby had no heartbeat.

Today I feel like I've been turned inside out.

I just want to crawl into bed and hide, but I have a needy seven year old.

I hate my body.  I hate the world.

The last place

I had to go shopping today, and without thinking about it, found myself at our usual large shopping centre.

As I parked the car, it hit me.

This was the last place where I was happy.

It was the place I took my big girl for the day, two days before we discovered that our baby had died.  The place where I nearly told her that she was going to be a big sister.

There were no tears, but I did feel uneasy and studiously avoided the areas we had been together, the cafe where I had a 'funny moment' with the coffee, the chemist where I bought prenatal vitamins, the baby clothing section in Myer.

I need to find some new happy moments.

Healing

Today, for the first time, I could see that there would be in a point in time where I will start to mend.  That maybe we will be brave enough to try again one day.  I do believe that burying my baby and planting her tree has bought me some peace.
Writing this blog is also helping in some small way.

I even laughed today - my obstetrician had written out a form for some blood work.  One of the tests is for Lupus anticoagulant.  We used to be devotees of the show House MD, and know that it's never Lupus.

Dear Little One

26th March, 2013

Dear Little One,

My heart is so very heavy at having to say goodbye to you.  I had so many hopes and dreams for you and felt so blessed and lucky that you came to us so quickly.  I had wanted another child for a very long time, but we waited many years until we were ready, and then you came to us.

It will take me a very long time to understand and accept that you couldn't stay with us, that it wasn't your future to be part of our family.

Six weeks - that's how long I have known about you - and loved you right from the very first moment.  It was one of the happiest days of my my life when I saw those two pink lines.

When I saw your tiny heartbeat fluttering on the ultrasound, I thought mine would burst with love.

But, the happiness and excitement couldn't last, and you left us.

I would've been so proud to be your Mama.  You would've had a great Daddy too - and the most wonderful sister that any child could wish for.  There would've been a lot of love here for you.

I will never forget you.

With all my love,
Mummy.

(The letter I buried with our baby)

loneliness

Today I feel...alone.

Wrapped in a blanket of sadness.

I just want my baby back.  I don't want to have to start over, go through the breathtaking heathbreak and fear again.

I should be 10 weeks pregnant.

Goodbye Little One

This afternoon it was time.

I took the little blue box, from the Tiffany bracelet which my husband had bought me as a remembrance, and gently placed her tiny remains inside, along with the letter I had written, and tied the white ribbon back around the box.

With a heavy heart I put the box into the hole my husband had dug, and together we covered it over with dirt.  Several times I had to stop as I simply could see through my tears.
I planted the Olive tree then fell sobbing into his arms.

She is in her final resting place.

Less than a minute after we had finished, the rain started.  Not as heavy as the storms we had last Saturday - the evening we lost her - but they have been steady all evening.  It seems fitting.

I miss my baby so much, and I will never get to hold her in my arms.

Things I can't control

Today I am angry.

Yesterday marked one week since the loss of our baby.  I told my husband that morning that it was going to be a rough day for me.  I thought he would listen.  It's not easy to have discussions when you have a seven year old constantly listening in, so sometimes you really just need to read between the lines.

That morning I requested we go for a drive and find somewhere to buy a special plant, a tree to plant that afternoon.  I eventually found what I was looking for, a small olive tree seemed fitting.

Exhausted and emotional, when we returned home I lay on the couch, needing to be alone for a while to prepare myself for the afternoon.  Husband declared he was going to wash the cars and mow the lawns, which was fine, there would still be time.  Then, for some bizarre reason, a neighbour came over and suggested they replace some warped boards on our front landing.  WTF?  No, no, no - not convenient.  Tell him tomorrow, another day, any time but now!
I didn't go outside, I was too upset and didn't want to be the screaming banshee wife, so I lay inside and cried until my anger and frustration took over.

By the time he came back in, it was nearly dark and just too late for the plans I had.

I'm still upset and angry.  

From the beginning

It was a decision seven years in the making.  Discussed, well thought out, all consequences considered.  Not a decision made lightly or on a whim. To have another child.  At 40.

We have lived well these past seven years since the birth of our daughter. Travelled, explored, established a loving home, experienced many happy times together.  But when I reached my 40th birthday I knew the one thing missing was that much thought about addition to the family.

Deep in my heart I had always longed for a little October baby, a Libran girl like her Mama and Grandma.  So that is what I aimed for.  I looked at calendars, I charted, I peed on sticks.  I knew the perfect time to get this special wish.
A few days after ovulation, my coffee started tasting funny.  All I could taste was milk and I had to request a change – less milk, more coffee please.  Was this it?  Could I be pregnant?

On the day before Valentines, I peed on a different kind of stick and there it was.  The faint second pink line.  My heart nearly exploded with joy.  I waited until the next day to show my husband – happy valentines day sweetheart!  Although I wanted to shout the news from the rooftops, it seemed like a good idea to wait until 12 weeks.
Instead, I shared it with a handful of close friends online, girls I felt safe with, the girls who were excited to follow my journey.  We talked names and birthdates, they even helped me pick an obstetrician.  It was one of the happiest times of my life.

We were having a baby!

One month later I had my first obstetrician appointment.  My lovely doctor scanned my tiny bump and announced that I was 6weeks and 2days along, which didn’t really add up.  I knew my dates, I knew the very day of conception, I knew my body.  But everything else looked fine, there was a good strong heartbeat and we tentatively looked at a scheduled c-section for October 22nd.  My libran baby!
Two days after the scan, I noticed some brown spotting.  Just a tiny bit, but when you’re pregnant, everything is of concern.  Back to my obstetrician for a scan – everything was fine, and I’d even gained a day and the heartbeat was faster.  I started researching testing and screening options, certain that was going to be the next hurdle.  I found the best fetal medicine specialist and booked my NT scan with his clinic.  As my regular clothing was starting to get a little tight, maternity clothing was saved to my cart at Gap and Old Navy, and I started looking at prams.

The next week I felt a bit strange.  I can’t describe how, just that something didn’t feel quite right.  I decided to keep my daughter home from school on the Wednesday, I just needed some time with her.  We went to a local shopping centre, and I ordered a coffee.  As it wasn’t one of my regular stops it seemed too hard to ask for it to be made my special way, so I simply ordered a plain old skinny flat white.  Oddly, it tasted fine and for a second I wondered…then brushed it aside to enjoy the time with my girl.
I nearly told her that day, that Mummy was going to have that much longed for sibling, but something stopped me.

That night I stayed up late watching TV, and was surprised that I didn’t feel tired. Thursday evening, I wiped, and there was blood.  Red blood.  Not much, but it was there.  The scan last week had been fine, so I was only a little concerned.

The next morning there was more.

I called my obstetricians office and told the receptionist.  She told me to come in at 1:30 that afternoon.  I sent my husband a message and told him I was now worried, so he offered to meet me there.
Walking in, I joked that I was one of those annoying pregnant ladies who worried about everything, still sure at this point that the worst he would say was I would need a few days of bed rest.

“I can’t find a heartbeat”.

The most horrifying words a pregnant woman can possibly hear, followed by "sadly it looks like your baby has died". He told me the options.  I said I couldn’t even think about it right now, that I would call him after the weekend, after I’d had a few days to process the shock.

I didn’t need those few days.  24 hours later it was all over.

So now, here I am a week later, stuck in a fog of grief and I don’t how I will ever be happy again.